And then a whole entire year went by...

Well, it's been a year (actually, over a year... sigh) since my first (and, well, last) post and (not entirely surprisingly) not much has changed in my little corner of the world. And yes, I realize I used way too many parenthesis in that sentence and I just don't care. So there.

Why, you must be asking, did I decide to write something after so long. Well although it might be surprising to some of you (although I have no idea who I am saying that to right now) I haven't forgotten about this blog. Every time I went to start writing something here I re-read that first post and it always struck me as overly positive for how I was feeling as I was trying to write another post- I typically feel like writing when I'm really not feeling all that "up" you see. And, well, although tonight isn't really any different as I am feeling quite down this moment, I am finally at a place where I feel like I can and, more importantly, should attempt to get some of my thoughts and feelings and general rantings out there into the universe for whoever wants to read them to do so. And no, I'm not trying to purposely type run-on sentences or flaunt my incorrect grammar, this is just how I write- exactly the way it is going on in my head. Which in and of itself probably speaks volumes about me. ;)

So, what is going on in your head tonight to make you want to write tonight, you are asking. Well, to be completely honest this last year has been incredibly hard for me. Not because horrible things have happened, although I have definitely had and continue to be having it seems, my fair share of hardships. But I'm not here tonight to complain- quite the contrary. Even though I am at what I consider to be one of the lowest points in my adult life in regards to my ability to take care of myself and be an independent grown woman, I am counting my blessings each and every moment. Honestly, I am- that isn't just lip service. Let me explain. Here is what I would love for my life to look like: The curtain opens and you see a beautiful, fit, confident woman in her early thirties sitting at her desk in her clean, light filled apartment. She is talking to one of her employees who she is about to send out the door to clean a few houses, because she is the owner of a small but successful house cleaning business and it is doing so well (because of her consistent hard work) that she doesn't even have to go out and do the cleaning anymore. She has several wonderful employees who she respects and takes good care of. She is able to stay home and focus entirely on her business, and because she no longer has to do such physically demanding work she has more energy to focus on eating right and being active as well as being able to go out more to spend time with her friends and loved ones. She's not exhausted and in overwhelming pain 5 out of 7 days of the week, so she now has the ability to focus on important things that other people take for granted, like paying her bills on time and remembering to get milk at the store and calling a friend back who left a voicemail yesterday.

Well, that's what I hope it will look like, someday. Here's my reality, for today at least: For reasons I won't go into right now, I am unable to rent my own apartment so I am currently living in a small room in the basement of the woman who for the last three years has been acting as my mentor (in many ways). At first this was incredibly hard for me- I am a very private homebody type, so naturally I prefer living by myself in my own space and up until a couple of years ago I had been able to manage that. My business had been going relatively well, and I even had an employee. Well, enter the bottom of the bad economy and the loss of several clients during one winter, the loss of said employee and the subsequent worsening of my fibromyalgia from having to suddenly work a LOT more by myself, and the realization that I just can't afford to pay rent and utilities anymore. So, I put on my big girl panties and basically rented a master suite apartment with no kitchen but a huge bathroom and closet and it's own entrance. It wasn't very private as my entrance directly faced the sliding glass door into their living room and kitchen, and that in and of itself turned out to be a big adjustment for me. Luckily they turned out to be great people and I ended up living there for about a year and a half. Unfortunately, this space was a good 30 minute drive from most of my clients, and my business took a hit simply because my heart just wasn't into it anymore. I stopped advertising and looking for new clients because I didn't have the energy (or the gas) to drive across town for quotes, and I was considering letting that whole thing go. I took a part time nanny job which ended up being a disaster in more ways than one, and at the same time I took on a part time job as a day-of site manager for a wedding venue, which I absolutely loved, but now I was working 6-7 days a week, on my feet most of the time. And despite the fact that I was now moving around so much, my weight (which was already too high) continued to climb and I was now the heaviest I'd ever been. Because I was on my feet so much I developed plantar fasciitis and my fibro flare ups went crazy and as if that wasn't enough, I started to develop ovarian cysts every month that were an indescribable pain when they would burst- I mean, stop in your tracks, lose all focus, struggle just to breathe kind of pain. I would work two weddings over a weekend, and I would be in so much pain Monday morning that I would either call in sick to my nanny job, or suffer through it just to cancel my cleaning jobs on Tuesday. Nobody was getting 100%- they were lucky if they got 75% on any given day, and most of the time I was just barely getting through the hours until I could get home and SIT. I ended up having to let go of the wedding venue job, which helped a little, but then the stress (both physically and mentally) of the nanny job wasn't worth it anymore so I ended up leaving that job, too. That left me with the least amount of cleaning clients I've had since I first started the business, and although it was absolutely wonderful to have so much time off to rest, my check book took a major hit and I realized I needed to change something. I decided to move back to the area that my clients were in to save gas, and I got a couple new clients, so I thought I'd be able to still afford what I was paying, just in a different place. Unfortunately I didn't really think it through, and I ended up renting a room in someones house- so now I really didn't have any privacy, and I was sharing a bathroom, AND my roommate was an alcoholic bachelor with an alcoholic girlfriend with lots of alcoholic friends who came over every single weekend night. Besides the nightmare of living with him and his friends, I ended up losing one of my new clients almost immediately, and despite honest efforts, I couldn't gain any more new clients for the life of me. I realized I simply was at a very low point where I just couldn't afford the rent I was paying and again, only four months later, I was going to have to find another, cheaper place to live. The next situation deserves it's very own posting, so for now, I'll just say that I lived somewhere for only one month before I was desperate to move again- so desperate that I was willing to live almost anywhere as long as it felt safe. This brings me (finally) to my current situation, living in my mentors basement.

Well, yes, it's been a transition. In some ways it feels like I'm living with my parents. But in a really great way. Honestly, I don't mind all that much not having entirely my own space and my own privacy. I feel taken care of and watched over and encouraged and loved, and I never actually felt any of those things when I lived at home with my own parents. Truthfully, I've rarely felt any of those things, ever. A friend once told me that I raised myself after she heard me tell her about my growing up. And she is completely right. It's only been recently that I've realized what that means, and how true it is, and how it explains so much about who I am and why I am the way that I am. I was never actually taught to do things, to manage my finances or cook or take care of my car or anything practical, except clean. My stepmom did teach me how to clean- interesting to think about now. Anyway, I realized recently that I spent my 20's just struggling through, figuring things out (or more often, not figuring things out) through trial and error. Looking back, my mentality and emotions were very much like a teenagers- I had very high highs and very low lows, and I was overly emotional all the time. I had a drastic change of outlook and energy level when I turned 30- it was very marked and seemed like it happened almost overnight to me. All of a sudden I realized things about life and love and family and friendship and I just stopped reacting to so many things, and instead I just kept my mouth shut and observed (for the most part- I definitely still have my moments and I am always more embarrassed about them than satisfied). I stopped begging people for their love or attention, whether it was a guy or a friend or a family member, and I just focused on the very few people in my life who seemed to understand me and truly loved me despite the idiot that I am. Or maybe because of the idiot that I am, I haven't quite figured that out yet. ;)

Okay, so moving on, I feel strangely blessed these days, even if I do sometimes feel overwhelmingly like I'm just watching other peoples lives move forward while mine seems to literally be moving backward. As I mentioned before, I am feeling very secure and watched over these days, by people who truly love me- and these are people who really know the real me, the dark and lonely parts of me as well as the light and laughing ones. But maybe that's why they are choosing to take me under their wing, because they can see how very much I need it right now. And even though a part of me (the rebellious, angry and so, so hurt part) hates to admit it, I feel like God is putting people very strategically in my life these days, and allowing very strategic things to happen at very, very strategic moments to show me more and more that He isn't going to just let me go, no matter how angry I am at Him. And I am going to be very honest right now- I have been very, extremely, furiously mad at Him these past few years. I've also been frustrated and confused and just very, very sad and overwhelmingly lonely and alone. My life is nothing, absolutely nothing like what I thought it might be like 3 months before turning 35. And beyond that, I have had more than my fair share of heartaches and dashed hopes for one woman in one lifetime. Several years ago I had friends who loved that no matter what I was going through, I always had a childlike sense of hope and possibility. I can honestly say that I am at a point I thought I'd never be at- I am no longer that person who truly believes that God has something good for her someday. I look at my future and it is a very bleak place in my piddly little brain, and it's killing me. I have a whole lot to get through, to deal with what my life actually is, and to try to turn around what is actually somewhat in my power to turn around, at least now that I have some sort of sense of safe harbor with these people that have taken me in. I am still struggling with who and what God is in my life, or maybe more importantly, who and what I am to Him. But overall, I can say I am thankful for where I am living right now. Because honestly, I have absolutely no idea where I would be without them.

Intro Post...

I'm just a single gal living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her sweet little designer rescue mutt, chasing her dreams and hoping that love will find her sooner than later. I dream of living at the beach or in the country or in the mountains- an outdoorsy girl stuck in the big city, for now at least...

I've had my fair share of jobs I hated and vowed long ago to never ever ever ever (EVER) again allow myself to hate what I did day to day for income and several years ago became self employed doing something that I *sort-of* enjoy... However, thanks to the economy, lately I've found a lot of time on my hands... TOO MUCH time, actually...

These days, I'm finally going after my dream of getting into the event and wedding industry- I love a good party and I adore design, but most of all, I love LOVE and I love seeing people celebrate love. And laughter. And LIFE. All the good things, and sometimes even the sad things- it's all a part of this wonderful, crazy, intense, spectacular thing we call living. And it's beautiful.

So, thanks for stopping in, stay awhile, and see what my crazy beautiful life has in store next- because you just never know what's around that bend...